Never ever
by Nepeace
Summary: CS Warning for femmeslash! Sara leaves and moves to New York ...
1. Default Chapter

**Never ever**

**Author:** Nepeace aka Angelique  
**Email:** Do you think they are mine, believe me you would be watching a more L word like show if they where … elevators in hotels on there way to a crime scene, barely lit labs, locker rooms I see potential of some hot scenes …  
**Summary:** Just read you'll see! You could say that it is a CSI/CSI:NY crossover, kinda! But not really.  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warning:** F/F love (femmeslash)  
**AN: **Okay, it's was 3 at night, last night and I still couldn't sleep. So I was frustrated and this is what you get when I am frustrated not too happy. But hey I blame it on the lack of sleep and feeling frustrated. And yes it is a shameless songfic, the song is Never ever by All Saints.

**Never ever**

_A few questions that I need to know  
How you could ever hurt me so  
I need to know what I've done wrong  
And how long it's been going on  
Was it that I never paid enough attention  
Or did I not give enough affection  
Not only will your answers keep me sane  
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again  
You can tell me to my face  
Or even on the phone  
You can write it in a letter  
Either way I've have to know  
Did I never treat you right  
Did I always start the fight  
Either way I'm going out of my mind  
All the answers to my questions I have to find_

Working in this new environment made it all a lot easier, she knew that a lot of people would call it fleeing, or running away from her problems without even trying to solve them, but the past hurt too much she would be unable to breathe if she would stay. To her it didn't feel like fleeing, it felt like moving on. And at this moment moving on meant that she would leave the warm and brightly lit city of Las Vegas to move to the cold and grey streets of New York. It seemed to be like the right thing to do, the city fitted her mood.

Working in a new environment surrounded by new people that didn't remind her of the better days in the past was one step in the right direction. Everything was different here including the women, from the independent Stella with her exceptional sense of humour to the street-smart Aiden who seemed to be a different person each day.

But no matter how different her environment was or how different the people around her where she still expected her former lover and colleague to round a corner and walk towards her with that exceptional smile on her face. And no matter if she would move to the other side of the world, she would still be the one with the unanswered questions.

She wrote down the words on the empty sheet of paper in front of her until it was filled with the unanswered questions. She wrote down the address on the blank envelope the address that she knew by heart, the address that used to be hers back when the days where still filled with sunshine and laughter and with love.

She got up and put her coat on, she wrapped a scarf around her neck before she picked up her letter and keys and left the apartment building. She walked down the streets; her hands buried in her pockets as the rounded a corner on the way to the mailbox. She posted the letter and quickly walked back through the rain to the warm and secure apartment.


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

Two days ago she found the letter in her mailbox, the address written in that familiar handwriting. She knew what is was without opening the letter, she knew that it was Sara who was seeking for those answers that she couldn't find on her own. An explanation of what had happened, nothing more and nothing less.

Tears come to my face as I open the letter and read the painful words. In the past year I got to know Sara better then I ever thought I would and I knew that when she left, she left for good. And even though it was my mistake, even though I was the one who blew it I did nothing to keep her here. I just let her pack her belongings and let her leave.

And now she was standing here in the rain in front of the grey building, the building even the city and the weather suited her current state of mind. She was wondering if she was doing the right thing, wondering if there even was a chance of ever restoring the relationship that they had. Or was it already beyond repair?

And if that was the case then she could only blame herself, because she knew how much trust meant, and even more so how much hurt she could cause by betrayal and still she did it she couldn't believe it herself. She opened the door and strides into the building towards the receptionist. Änd asks the receptionist to call Sara for her, the receptionist asks what her name is but she refuses to tell it, knowing that Sara won't come if she knows that Catherine is standing here waiting for her she asks if the receptionist can just ask Sara to come to the reception. The woman nods with and picks up the phone, she puts the phone down and says that she can take a place in one of the chairs located at the other side of the hall.

Sara and Stella walked down the hallways discussing their latest case. When her cell phone rang, she excused herself and unhooked her cell phone from her belt. She listened for a few seconds and answered with a few words before she closed her phone.

"There is someone at the reception for me, can we talk about this later?"

"Yeah, sure but I thought that you didn't know anyone here?" Stella asked confused.

"That's true, but I better check it out anyways, catch you later." Stella nodded and stepped into one of the laps while Sara continued her way to the reception.

She looked up from her spot at the other side of the reception area as she heard the resounding of footsteps. She gazed at the woman that she knew so well the woman that she had hurt so bad. Sara was standing in front of the reception when she saw her, she quickly got up and straightened her clothes. Gazing at the younger woman she could a reflection of the woman she met 5 years ago. The woman that distanced herself from other people, thick walls surrounding her to protect her from being hurt even more then she already was. The walls that Catherine had worked so hard on to let them dissolve into thin air. They were back and she could only blame herself for causing that. Standing here she wasn't so sure that this was the right thing to do but she couldn't go back now. At that moment Sara turned around looking in the direction that the receptionist pointed.

She gasped when she looked into Sara's eyes, within the blink of an eye her expressions changed from surprise to pain to anger. Of course she was mad, she had every reason to be but still she had hoped that Sara's anger would have subsided even if it was just a little. Sara crossed her arms in front of her chest not saying a word just staring at her former lover.


	3. Part 3

**Part 3**

Sara stared at her with a stoic look on her face, she hadn't said a word. She hadn't moved a muscle since she laid eyes on her former lover.

"Sara?" she stretched out her hand trying to touch the silent woman in front of her, the woman that she knew so well. But before she could touch her Sara inched away, mere inches but more then enough to put a distance between them. She dropped her hand along her side, knowing that pushing Sara would only distance them more.

"Sara, please can we talk?"

"I wouldn't know what we should talk about, there is nothing left to talk about."

"Please babe," Sara eyes flamed up in rage when I said that word. "Sara, can we please talk, Sara I need to explain what happened." She was standing there waiting for some kind of response from Sara.

"I'll be back in five minutes." Sara said before she turned around and walked down the hall where she came from. She looked as she saw her former loved disappear around a corner before she went back to the chair and sat down.

"Stella, I got a kind of a 'family emergency' is it okay if I take the rest of the day off?" Sara said as she was standing in the door opening, watching Stella as she processed some evidence.

"I thought you didn't have family here?" Stella asked as she looked up, but something in Sara's eyes stopped her. "Don't mind my question, you can take the rest of the day off. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah thanks, see you tomorrow." Sara turned around and walked down the hall towards the locker rooms. She sunk down on the bench in the middle of the locker room and placed her head in her hands. She cried silent tears as she finally broke down, she had always known that she didn't stand a chance against Catherine, even though the pain was deep the love was deep as well, maybe even deeper. She wiped away the bitter tears and got up, she looked at the reflection of herself in the mirror and adjusted her hair before she splashed some ice cold water in her face. Sara opened her locker and put on her jacket, she picked up her bag and swung it onto her back. Before she walked back to the reception area to meet Catherine.

She looked up as Sara returned, relieved that she came back. Sara headed straight for the door and waited outside for Catherine to catch up with her. She stretched her arm out and within seconds a yellow cab stopped in front of them. Sara said her address and as soon as the door was closed behind Catherine the car sped away. The ride was silent, a tense silence at that.

Sara guided me to a small apartment much like the one she used to have in Las Vegas. It didn't matter where I looked there where unopened boxes everywhere. The small living room was filled with the most necessary items. Sara pointed to her couch as she stepped into the kitchen, minutes later she came back with two mugs she said down on the chair across from me. She placed the mug in front of me still without saying a word.

"You wanted to talk?" she asked with a bitter tone in her voice.


	4. Part 4

**Part 4**

"Sara I still l…"

"Don't you dare say that word to me, cause it clearly means nothing to you!" Sara said anger flared through her eyes, her voice was filled with anger that she obviously tried to contain. Her knuckles turned white as she clenched her hands into fists. She had seen this before, Sara was desperately trying to keep the tears inside.

"Sara, please!" she pleaded with Sara, who wasn't listening to her she stared out of the window. A tear escaped her eyes and rolled down her cheek. "I didn't mean to kiss her, it's a lame excuse I know but we had a fight and I was drunk, mad, disappointed in you. You never said those things to me before but it sounded as if you meant it. When I closed that door behind me and drove away I wanted to numb the pain. I should have never gone to that bar, I didn't need those drinks I needed you. I swear, it happened but it didn't mean anything!" She looked shamefully at her former lover.

Sara slowly turned towards Catherine, a pained expression covering her face. "You know what hurts the most not that you kissed her, that you lied about it! That is what hurts that is why I left." Sara said bitterly.

Another tear slid down her face, and Catherine could no longer sit there in front of her former lover without doing something. Sara pulled her knees up and leaned her head down on her arms. As her tears ran freely, Catherine quickly got up from her seat and stepped closer to Sara as she got down on her knees she tried to wrap her arms around Sara but she was violently pushed backward by her former lover.

Catherine tried again not ready to give up on her former lover, not able to let her go, not like this. Sara again pushed her away but this time she lifted her head up, looking straight at Catherine. Catherine opened her mouth to say something but Sara's raised hand, demanding her to stop and that was what Catherine did she closed her mouth without her words ever leaving it.

"I am so mad at you, so disappointed, because you lied to me. I can't help but keep on wondering about how many other things you lied. You know that trust is a big issue for me and still you betray me in the worst way possible."

"Sara, I never lied to you before or since that happened. I love you, I am so sorry, please accept my apologies."

"You know what's even worse, when friends come up to you and ask you whether you have broken up with the love of your life. They act all surprised when they tell you that they have seen you kiss someone else. And they wonder what's going on, and I am standing there in front of them trying to act all casual telling them that they must be mistaken and that it could never be you. And they continue on about how they saw you that night drinking at the bar and that some woman was hitting on you and that you kissed her."

More tears escape from Sara's eyes, she quickly wipes them away and takes a deep breath before she continues; "Can you even imagine what that feels like! I am standing there, the world spinning around me while my whole life crumbles into small pieces. You where the one I wanted to spend my life with and I have never been so sure of anything in my life and in a matter of seconds that is shattered to pieces."

"I am so sorry, sweetie. I didn't know what I was doing; I am so ashamed of what I was doing. When I came home I just wanted to forget about it, I took a shower and I vowed to myself that I would tell you about it but every time I tried I couldn't do it." Catherine bends her head not able to look into those harsh and judgemental eyes.


	5. Part 5

**Part 5**

"Can you ever trust me again?" Catherine asked silently part of her dreading the answer but the other part of her wanted to know if there was a chance, even if it was the smallest chance. She still wasn't looking at Sara, still avoiding her eyes. Those piercing brown eyes that where probably sending her one of those famous 'dead glares' and even though she couldn't look into those eyes she knew that it was there.

"I hope so …" was the silent reply that came from Sara, so silent that Catherine wondered if she had actually heard it or that she just heard what she wanted to hear.

Catherine was still sitting on the floor in front of Sara, she looked up at her, her own eyes filled with tears. Sara wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her shirt, she didn't look at Catherine. She was still staring out of the window, to the grey city behind it.

"Will you give me that chance?" Catherine asked silently while she grabbed a hold of Sara's hand, this time she didn't pull away. She looked down at their hands entangled in each other placed on her lap. She contemplated her answer, but in her heart she knew what it would be. She looked into Catherine's eyes setting her pain and anger aside; she smiled though it was just a weak reflection of a smile. And even though she didn't want it, tears where still streaking her face.

She was unable to speak the words that where on the tip of her tongue. The words that she wanted to say so badly even though she knew that those same words could hurt her in the future.

"Promise me …" She swallowed hard trying to make the lump in her throat disappear but it wouldn't go away. The pain was still too fresh and even though she wanted to give up on it and tell Catherine that she still loved her, that she had always loved her no matter how far she ran. She wasn't ready yet!

"Promise me that you will never leave me again?" Catherine's hand trembled as Sara's hands enclosed hers, even the slightest contact send a shiver through her spine.

"I won't leave you, you are the one that left, babe." Catherine bends down and kissed Sara's hand.

"I know that, what I meant was if we have a fight. Don't ever leave me again, talk to me, please! That is all I am asking, I am asking you to be honest to me. I can handle honesty!"

"I promise you that I will never do this again. Will you come home?"

"I don't know, I don't have a job if I go back."

"You do, you'll still have your job. Grissom said that we would have enough manpower now that we have Greg as a CSI 1. He said that he would give you some time to come back. I asked him if he could wait till I came back. If we came back together that would mean that we would both be back at work or if I came back alone that would mean that things wouldn't work out between us and that he could find someone else to replace you. At this moment Sophia from days is working for me so that I could take a couple of days off." Catherine waited a few seconds before she continued; "I had to try, I couldn't let you go I made a terrible mistake."

"I'm not sure if I can do this right now but I want you. I love you with all my heart and even more, I want to be part of a family again, you and Lindsey! I know that if I don't trust you know I'll never be able to trust anyone ever again. I can't stand the emptiness in my heart, it feels like I can't breath." Sara adjusted her eyes from my hands to my own eyes. "Take me home with you …"

**AN: **That's it, I hope that you guys like it! R&R please, that is after all what keeps me writing. Thank you so much for readiing and reviewing my stories! Angelique


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